There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
