she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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