I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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