Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
