did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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