I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Randomize
