i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
should my penis look like a turkey
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
