My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
