How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
