I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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