Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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