3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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