My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
