Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
