if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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