I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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