Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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