Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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