so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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