I am in a vortex of obligation.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
