Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
