Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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