On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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