Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
