"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
