I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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