I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize