My Higher Power is John Stamos
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
