How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
