I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
