i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
