you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
