Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize