I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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