please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
