haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
