Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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