perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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