i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
