I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
