conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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