Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
