Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize