An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
