Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
