I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
