How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
