thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
