U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
