after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
