am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
