Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
