Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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