flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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