i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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