she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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