took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
